Today, the fire alarm went off in my building and I didn’t move. I was sure it was a drill… it always is, right? Likewise, what happens when you have received so many NO’s, that your optimism and expectations shift — and you start to expect the No? What happens when it feels like the “likely” outcome is yet again – No.

Here’s encouragement to the artists, to the jobseekers, to those who yearn for love and keep hearing “No.”

• You, like me, are poor at judging the odds of a certain outcome.

I have recently had a tough time showing up to these interviews with hope, because it feels like the answer will be a NO. But then I remember my favorite tidbit of knowledge from my college criminology class: probability versus magnitude.

Criminals make decisions based on probability. They ask themselves, “what’s the likelihood that I get caught stealing this designer bag?” And then they calculate their odds and act accordingly. Problem is: humans are notoriously bad at calculating probability accurately.

The prudent, however, decide by asking this question: “What’s the magnitude of the consequences if I steal this bag?”

So – the act of you and me calculating the odds of rejection is futile. We can only ask, “what’s the magnitude of consequences if I do or do not take this shot?”

• There is power in admitting a feeling of hopelessness. But hopelessness is specific, not general.

You and I are justified in temporarily feeling hopeless about one domain in your life.

The sense of hopelessness I felt is extremely specific to one area: my career. Not life itself, not my love life, not my health and fitness, not my education, not my hobbies… my career. When you zoom out: there is always one thing and yet another to be grateful for.

A feeling of hopelessness is a very real, human emotion. But like all human emotions – emotions are specific to certain circumstances.

And when you want to overgeneralize a passing feeling of hopelessness – take a moment. Pause. Breathe. And then zoom out on your life. There are things going right, even when you have to hunt to find them.

• “And…. Action!”

Acknowledging specific feelings of hopelessness is the first step. The second step is action.

How, then, can you address the feeling of hopelessness in a specific area?

I am an actor and we get a lot of “No thank you.”

We will inevitably hear more of them than the yeses. And although we know it is a part of the game, it still can sting. We go up and down: sometimes we feel invincible to the rejection. Other times, we can feel, well… hopeless about our careers.

Actors, act.

Actors are people who inhabit characters through a series of actions. These actions are in saying the lines written for them, moving physically in a way specific to the character, inhabiting an accent or changing their voice to best suit the character, learning specific actions like training to ice skate if their characters skate, and so much more. But at the end of the day – they act. Action.

You and I are also empowered to act. To act is to live.

Consider talking to a therapist or loved one about it. Research and implement positive psychology interventions (for example, I will soon start a 10-day challenge of meditation and music to address my feelings of hopelessness in my career. And guess who already feels better by the action of writing this? 😊) Read the Bible and look for sermons related to the topic. Get rid of all your social media, go old school email and phone numbers (trust me, it is well worth it!). Read a non-fiction book about the domain you are struggling with. Reach out to any family or friends who may be able to support you, they may know a person who knows a person who could help open a door. Go for a walk: today and tomorrow. Endless options.

*

Shout out to the actors who pour their heart and soul into their work, only to hear “Thank you, have a good weekend.”

Shout out to the jobseekers who put forth so much effort in applying for the oh-so-many jobs that they are qualified for (and over-qualified for).

Shout out to those ready for love, marriage, and children – but are enduring heartbreak in the meantime.

I see you. I feel for you. We’re in this together.

*

Rejection sucks. But as I learned years ago – rejection is a Maker of Resilience. Rejection from a person, a place, a job, a school – is just a reflection of a preference by the other party.

It is not a reflection of your worth.

❤

Resources

• Dr. Lisa Feldman’s work on emotional granularity and her book “How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain”
• My favorite sermon on rejection: May 31, 2014 “Overcoming Rejection” Pastor Howard-John Wesley
• Read about the field of positive psychology and research “positive psychology interventions.”