In 2018, I created this mantra while I was physically and mentally preparing for one of the world’s toughest military schools. As I toyed with these words in my mind, I discovered three meanings, all powerful, with the capacity to change my life and yours, too.

1. Choose the Present
I Would Rather Be Here is a reminder to appreciate the present, for sometimes, we pray away things that we at one time prayed for. For the aforementioned military school, where I would be limited on food and sleep and high on stress, I knew there would be times that I would wish I was anywhere but there. Because it would be hard. — but didn’t I want to be there? Choose to be there? Sacrifice immensely to be there? To be in a position where just years prior, I would have never seriously dreamed for or had the physical capacity for? I prayed and worked to be in that position – qualified to attend this school and to be there in the rain, mud, and suck. What in your present are you wishing away?
So, I decided in advance that when things became tough, I would remind myself that I actually wanted to be there; not in the office working on boring admin work, but at the challenging military school because I believed that I was there for a purpose. When I thought of the comfort of a warm blanket and a meal, I countered the thought with the truth. I wanted this. There was no place I would rather be — despite the current difficulties, I Would Rather Be Here.

2. Suffering is Normal
Years ago, I saw a video entitled “No Sex for Fish” about Kenyan women who were in such dire circumstances, they would exchange sex (with HIV-positive men) for the fish that would feed their families. This video broke my heart and allowed me to see a bigger picture. I had experienced suffering (nothing like what was to come a few years later) but I remembered through this video that the world is full of suffering. The point of opening up your perspective isn’t to compare. All of humanity suffers. It’s a part of the human experience. Unfortunately. So, I take note of tragic stories and stories of suffering not because it makes me feel better, but it reminds me of shared humanity. My favorite book, Man’s Search for Meaning, by Holocaust survivor and father of logotherapy, Viktor Frankl, teaches us that we can find purpose in our suffering, and boy, is life full of it. As the poet Rilke says: “How much suffering is there to get through!” I Would Rather Be Here shifts my perspective to think outside of myself and normalize suffering (whereas social media over-normalizes the good times, so we are surprised and overreact when hard times come). You are not the only one going through tragedy, loss, and pain — we all are, and we all will.

3. Defeat the Lie of Suicide
My first outing as a newborn was to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California. I’m assuming that is why my whole life, I’ve had a fascination, healthy fear, and awe of all bridges, and particularly the Golden Gate. For most of its existence, this bridge was the most popular place in the US for people to take their lives. (thanks to the anti-suicide nets recently installed, numbers have dropped dramatically). It is striking to me that such a beautiful, majestic, architectural wonder is also symbolic of immense pain.

The Golden Gate has taught me that life is a bridge between surviving and thriving. If you’re surviving, keep moving forward and you will reach thriving. When you’re thriving, be appreciative, because one day you will suffer and will, too, one day need to keep moving forward to make the journey to thriving.

Suicide, literally and symbolically, can happen when you stop moving across this bridge. It breaks my heart that one opts to exit the bridge without realizing this truth. The truth is — if you just keep moving forward, in and through your immense suffering, you will – one day – reach thriving yet again. It can be so hard to see through the fog. But keep moving, one centimeter at a time, one wake-up at a time. As Dr. Frankl aptly puts, it is not about asking for what more you can expect from life; but seeking what life expects FROM YOU. You are irreplaceable and the only person in the history of existence to fulfill exactly what life asks of you.

I pray that I Would Rather Be Here encourages those who hear the lie of suicide whispered softly in their ear, to counter with “NO! If I just keep moving forward through this immense pain, I will see bright days yet again. I will keep living. I will find purpose through all of this pain and suffering. What feels unbearable to me is actually bearable only by me. Life expects more of me. I Would Rather Be Here.”