It’s human nature to seek that which is outside of you to “spur” you on. Many of us see it as a little extra motivation; you know:

• Align yourself with that motivated, disciplined person and hope that their good habits rub off on you — ride their coat tails, just a little right?
• Pursue the challenging option (school, goal, career, etc.) because it will push you to be greater in the pursuit
• Surround yourself with people who have some of the qualities you admire and pray it rubs off on you

I have been on the giving and receiving end of all these. At times, I have chosen a workout partner (coach, etc.) for that external accountability to push me to workout. Sometimes, I’m that disciplined workout partner that helps to push someone else. There is beauty in the give and take relationship between assisting others and being assisted. But, have you ever caught yourself thinking: “Without this (person, place, or thing) – I don’t think I can do it.”

I have.

Most of my thoughts in this category coalesce around the quality of discipline. I often tend to think of myself as not a strongly disciplined person — so if I have this thing in place (e.g. The Army, working at a fitness studio, a more disciplined person, partner, coach for accountability) then, I can reach the goals I have set out for myself. There are two big problems with this thought process.

1. It’s a fallacy: not the whole truth; contrary to existing evidence.
   
   In fact, me saying “I’m not a disciplined person” is the biggest and most harmful lie I tell myself. (What’s yours?) Quite contradictory, my life’s body of work suggests that I am exceptionally disciplined. I do know how to tell myself “no” and orient my actions in alignment with my intentions. This skill may not always feel easy or that it is always in the “on” position, and maybe it’s not, but this is life, there’s no perfection in inner qualities — when am I ever 100% “on” for anything?
   
   For you, the quality may not be discipline, but I find that many people have this belief about themselves. On the VIA Character Strengths Survey, Americans rank themselves 24/24 on self-regulation/discipline. And maybe your lie is that “I don’t like people” or “I am not a strong leader” — whatever it may be, I will bet that you are immensely more of that quality than you give yourself credit for. Take a moment to collect supporting evidence, instead of the contrary.
   
2. Thinking “Without this (person, place, or thing) – I don’t think I can do it.” deprives you of the opportunity of being the hero of your own story.

Everyone has to be the hero of their own story.

Since childhood, we have grown up with the concept of a superhero or knight in shining armor who arrives just in time to save the day. They pull us through when we don’t have the strength to pull ourselves. Maybe that hero isn’t a person, maybe it’s a place (college, home, or a place far, far from home) or a thing (a substance, a sport, special life circumstances) that has the magical powers to bring out the best in you.

Those other things are nice, but never get it twisted — that person, that place, those things are not what will save the day. If they did, you would begin to resent them: they got you over the finish line, not you; you’re no helpless child, although sometimes our inner psychology influences us to think so. This is why I have long disagreed with the statement that “the military forces you to be disciplined.” The military may make it easier for you to wake-up early, because you have formations and consequences if you miss them, but you are still the one choosing to wake up early. You are the one in control, no one is forcing you to be disciplined. That would make the military (or other) the hero of your life, giving it more credit than it deserves.

Similarly, this concept also means it is not our responsibility to “save the day” for someone else. We ought to give love, encouragement, support — but please, let us not deprive them of their ability to be their own hero. When you think they would be grateful, they too, will likely resent you for it. We are to be the hero of our own stories and others must be the hero of theirs.

Lean on others, allow them to lean on you, while knowing that you are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul. Resources outside of yourself can help, make it feel easier and more manageable — but you are the one who takes those external ingredients and blend them to create the batter of personal growth and change. You are the one integrating different experiences, strengths — you are the one choosing action.

You did that. You do that. You choose. You take action. You are the hero. This is your story. The magic you seek is within you. You are the hero of your own story.